I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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