does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
