if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
