He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
