Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Randomize
