Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize