update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
