I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
