i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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