I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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