True but thats because hes a fetus.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
