Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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