I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
