Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
why do cheetos always look like penises
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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