He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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