Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
