oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
