He disabled his match.com account in front of me
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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