he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
