I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
