my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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