I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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