So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Randomize
