I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
