I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
