morning after pill = breakfast in bed
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
