My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
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