Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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