We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
is wine microwaveable?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize