When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
