i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
