My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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