Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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