Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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