dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Acid is not a monday night drug
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize