I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize