I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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