I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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