plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize