now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
