guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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