I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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