The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm sobbing to NWA
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