Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
