i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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