After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He felt like a one man threesome
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
