I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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