that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
