checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
