Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
