i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
