Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
