You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
even my farts smell like vagina
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
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