Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I would fuck him just for his dog
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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