Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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