Ambien. No doubt about it.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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