Someone shit on the floor
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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