why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
