Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
