I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
