if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
