My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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