I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize