it's too hot outside to masturbate.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
there is glitter all over my balls
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