Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
