So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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