if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
