his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
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