i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
