its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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