My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
